Assalamu Alaikum,
Hope this finds you well. I need sincere advice and especially a third person's perspective to understand the predicament I'm in at the moment. Its regarding my dad. I am Male, a university student. I used to admire and respect my dad growing up wanting to be like him. He's not working in the same city we lived so sai public holidays yawanci muke ganin shi before retirement. Yanxu ya dawo da zama gida. I'm the eldest of my siblings so responsibilities fall on me and I'm also studying a good course in uni alhamdulillah. When I make mistakes, my dad shames me, calls me selfish, ba irin halin da ba a cewa banda shi. it used to bother me and I try always to improve. but there always seems to be a problem....its really hard to impress him. And I dont mind being corrected, its the constant downgrading and insult that pains me. Har ta kai ta kawo sai a hadan tarko dan nayi ba daidai ba ai ta fada. ko a ki mun magana na satuttuka. Ni kuma seeing he's my father I always try to figure out what I've done wrong, apologise sometimes even with tears. wani lokacin idan naje apology sai yanuna kamar bai San mai ya faru ba. He likes to put us including my siblings and mum in a situation he can control. ko gani yayi ka cika murmushi to ka sani ka kusa laifi. He also tries to create rifts between us siblings. I will discuss one thing with him but he will say another thing when he complains about our character. If someone outside admires our character, he'll be very quick to condemn us. It reached to a point ko muryar sa naji gabana faduwa yake. His relationship with my mum too is not ideal, haka itama ko yaushe fargaba take kar yace an mai laifi. hes isolated her from family, controls her finances and always shames her every chance he gets. da duk ban ganin haka because she tries to shield us from it but yanxu growing up I'm noticing and now my admiration for him is gone. I still love him and pray for him and always wished our relationship wasnt like this, financially he tries and provides more than enough but he also doesnt want us to be financially independent. He always frowns at my mums attempts at businesses, i hide my scholarships from him, because it would create rift between us if he knows i have a secondary source of income he cant control. The rapport i had with him when I was young I'm now discovering was just him using me to know what happens at home when he used to work. he will say things that made me doubt my mothers integrity and sense of responsibility growing up. There are details I can't say to keep this anonymous but wallahi my mum has being very patient with him. I'm now depressed with stress and anxiety both from home and school. I have a constant fear of marriage and parenthood because I dont want my wife or kids to feel this way if I ended up like him. I now avoid him except when he needs me or when I greet him and that too is becoming a problem.... I don't know what to do? Ban son shiga hakkin sa wlh coz kar na janyo fushin Allah but hes not someone you can have a conversation with and be open, everything you say can be used against you. Limiting interactions with him right now is the only way I keep my sanity. am I overreacting????
hmmmm you're like the second person that is saying same thing about father's and fatherhood and I can tell you how much I can truly relate with my dad too. although I'm a daddy's girl and he does everything for us regardless but wannan matsalan tashin hankalin we also do face it kam. the neman magana always ready to blame us over any slight mistake, always looking for some reasons or mistake to bring us down and I promise you we always try to avoid those mistakes har ma mu yi wani abu dan muyi impressing din shi wlh at the end of the day he wont give a fuck and he will be so non chalant and just like you said my mom is also the patient woman my dad is not the kind of man with listening ears babu irin romantic magana dinnan me dadi mafi yawanci maganan bacin rai ne sometimes my mum just hides her tears kuma da zaman hakuri. this is because our parents of before just got married anyhow from home and our father still have that little mentality of an AFRICAN MAN thing Allah ya kyauta kawai hes still your father ka bi shi a hankali kawai ku rabu lafiya
😀😀mentality of African men
When men get to middle age they tend to feel frustrated and insecure for not having achieved all that they dreamed of when they were younger. Some are able to thrive only by belittling the achievement of others and trying to exert control over them. It's a normal human trait and no one is perfect. No, you are not overreacting, just learn to cope while staying respectful and dutiful. Above all be patient. Remember that we receive reward from Allah for bearing the excesses of our parents in silence. Also remember that they spent their youth providing for us and making us what we are today.
Allah ya raba mu dasu lafiya. Probably this is our share of trials in life. It could be way worse but isn't Alhamdulillah.
Thank You for this. I completely understand. The reason I had to ask is to know if I'm noticing too much and being unfair to him. Kasan you can't talk about things like this with anyone, the world is no longer confidential. If its dealing with the situation, I'm learning to. I just dont want to be insensitive. You said that "when men get to middle age..?" is this more common than I think? if so, what's usually the cause?
It is referred to as the 'Mid life crisis'. In the material world we live in, middle age is the time when men look back and compare their real achievements with what they once dreamed of, and since few people attain their dreams, feel unfulfilled and frustrated. This is typically the age at which they start looking for second wife or even trying to recapture their youth.
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