I was born and brought up in a Muslim home, trained and polished in the path of righteousness. But with good always comes the bad. I'm doing so many bad things that I regret every single day and it all rooted from my childhood. my eldest brother molested me(thought me how to give blow jobs and licked me, thought me how to kiss) when I was 6 up to I think around my 11th year as far as I can remember, I was a kid then, I enjoyed it, it was our LITTLE SECRET, I never thought there was any harm in it, all I knew was It was nice and I liked it until it stopped. but I was already familiar with it and as I mentioned I was just so young, I started doing it with my age mates(girls) afterall it was just a play to me that I enjoyed. Now fast forward to my current age, I'm 18 and a raging uncontrollable hormonal girl, I'm still a virgin, never been penetrated even with a finger but still masturbates with water, it's paining me, eating at me but I can't stop. I have prayed, fasted and trust me, my lips are always moist with azkar alhamdulillah. I met this married guy, became infatuated, had alot of sex chats and well he started asking for nudes and I realized that wasn't me, what was I even doing? how did I reach this stage? so I ended it, wasn't easy but with the help of God it happened.The main problem I'm facing right now is constant craving of men, I want to keep away, but the cravings are becoming too much, I know I can never indulge in zina but what of romance? I ask myself, so I tried it and I was so disgusted with myself after it, and to add to it the guy totally blew me off( as expected) to be honest that's why I did it with him, coz I thought maybe if he made me regret it it might take the cravings away as I'm a girl that hates disrespect, but it backfired as I fell in love with him. yeah that's how life is after all. Anyways I met another guy, thought he's my soulmate and all that childish crap, like talk about my future with him and thinking "yeah he's the one" (oh my God so stupid) I trusted him, loved him like no other and well he found out about my cravings and took advantage in my parents house for that matter coz I trusted him to the extent of introducing him to my family (parents included) anyway, he romanced me and stuffs which wasn't enjoyable by the way coz it was against my will so after that we started having issues, he was well aware I was against it coz he also mentioned it apologizing but things were never like before again and the end of the day we broke up and it hurts like hell, I still am not over him but I can't forget what he did to me. now, remember the first guy I did it with? he was still always at the back of my mind even when I was with my ex but he has disrespected me so much that I can't just forget even now that he wants to be friends again. I want to marry but as you know, finding a husband these days is the chronicles of world war ii so yeah, I'm confused and just all over the place not knowing what to do so please, please help me....I really need help. Thank you.