I need Advice
Anonymous Mar 12, 12:14 PM

I need Advice 0

So I'm new here please pardon my mistakes. I used to have intense emotions towards my partners,the last relationship I had ruined me. Don't get me wrong but I never met this person in person. He appeared to be very kind and loving even though he was impersonating someone else. He never asked for anything from me (money or nudes) but he always disappeared n reappear with some lame excuses but because I was deeply into it, I had hope that he was going to change. He hurts me alot n made me so happy alot,so it was hard for me to decide to let go or not. At a point he broke up with me n I was broken inside out,did things to helped myself moved on n I actually investigated n got to know I was in love with another person's pictures and another person's voice. I felt stupid n foolish,I was never a fan of video call. So to cut the story short it's almost 2yrs now but it's like I've caged my heart and I don't seem to know how to love,commit or build relationships, I have trust issues and I don't feel like any guy is understanding and patient enough to go through the stage of healing with me. I've ruined so many relationships and marriage proposals because I'd rather be quite than tell my story to any guy that comes to me, I have the fear of being judged, heartbroken again n I really don't want to go through what I went through the last time,I almost lost my faith n I had to battle with my heart n pray alot to accept the fact that Allah never tests us beyond our capabilities, I run away n ruin my relationship with any guy I start becoming close to or having some kind of feelings towards him. I want to get married but I think I need help to overcome my fears. Please anyone with idea on what to do should help me. Thank you ?
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Replies

(21)
Ummammar Mar 12, 12:34 PM
I think you should go for counseling it will help you alot may Allah ease your affairs for you,& also you need to allow your self heal,its a gradual thing so just allow your self enjoy the moment you are in now,you also need to write down the mistakes you made on your previous relationship & try to avoid them in d current ones,tell them if you feel like they need to know what you have went through,but the most important one is you need to seek for help
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Hannerh Mar 12, 12:54 PM
What you experienced is a direct reflection of what people have become in Nigeria. Please Never trust anyone. People in nigeria are morally bankrupt and bad by default so just meeting someone and trusting him would definitely backfire on you. You can't trust anyone in this country please. I'm sure kina ganin abubuwan da ke faruwa a society, from that you will realize that kawai mutane a kasar nan sun lalace ne. Values such as Trust, Honesty, Genuine Affection are seldom. U have to cross a hundred people before finding a human being with these qualities in Nigeria. Many ladies want to get married these days in Arewa but finding the right man is always the issue. I suggest you think deeply about life and try to channel your emotions and energy towards something beneficial to you. Marriage is only necessary if it'll give you peace not another heartbreak or drama. By the way you can still go for therapy or counselling to figure yourself out.
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Anonymous #2 Mar 12, 04:32 PM
Thats what came to my mind, The least mistake you'll ever make is trust anyone in Nigeria. A country where Trust and sincerely are seen as weakness, Deciet and Falsehood are seen as smartness, wallahi most people in this country are very heartless and evil kuma its everywhere mutane yanzu kawai all they want is to get what they want even at the expense of other people's suffering. It has become a norm yanzu. Ni na ma fasa Aure gaba daya soboda you will never know who's hand you'll fall into. Very heartless narcissistic Men everywhere, Allah dai ya sawaqe. Amma kasar nan mutane sun zama abun tsoro. Babu tausayi or concern for another human kawai ana wani jungle lifestyle ne. I hope you find peace sister. I may not have provided you a solution but just something to put at the back of your mind. Also you can still find Good men out there but they are rare gaskiya.
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Ibrahim Jaafaru A. Mar 13, 09:51 AM
You seemed bitter and hurt, probably by someone! But that does not mean you should give her this bad advise not to trust anyone, is that what you are doing? I've heard stories online about the the wicked attitude of both Men and Women, but that doesn't mean one should close one's heart, one just needs to be sincere and prayerful towards finding one's life partner. Men and Women both make mistakes in finding spouses, but I'll tell you that of Women: They want Tall, Handsome, Rich guy, with mansion and a car, a Shahrukhan of sort, a guy depicted only in movies and telenovelas, because they are expecting a grand style of wedding, that'll be the talk of the Town, and you say you want peace of mind? No, you and peace of mind and in parallel lines. Because you've shown to like luxury more than the marriage as an act of Ibadat, they treat you like commodity, because they bought you and they can buy another! Women don't see beyond they're noses, they don't look at the potentials of their admirers, whom they can build their home together, they want ready made!
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Ayesha audu Mar 14, 01:06 PM
Its not about being hurt or bad experience with someone. What she said is true. You have to accept the fact that people in Nigeria are generally Bad. Its not about being after material things. Most women are loyal but still get betrayed.
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Ibrahim Jaafaru A. Mar 15, 02:56 AM
So people are generally bad here in Nigeria, does that include you and everyone you cared about? Or to every rule there's an exception? This marriage is an act of Ibadat, and unless we start see it as such, we are in for a storm. From the courtship, to the Wedding ceremony, to the marriage life itself, we completely derailed, thinking that we can mix it with civilization, innovations and get away with it? But we can't have it both ways, we need to purify our intentions from the very start, be prayerful and put our trust in Allah, then everything will work out, otherwise...
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Ayesha audu Mar 16, 11:13 PM
That does not include Me amma idan za'a fadi gaskiya the large majority of Nigerians are dishonest, corrupt and can't be trusted with anything because they believe taking advantage of trust and cheating makes them Smart. Marriage is an act of Ibadah many ladies are soft and loyal but they get married to the typical Nigerian men. Shiyasa yanzu samun Miji is not easy as it should be. Other countries are getting married and they are civilized. Civilization and innovation can only make Marriage better of course if you don't engage in any haram activity
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Ibrahim Jaafaru A. Mar 18, 02:09 AM
So you are excluding yourself, isn't that selfish? Someone could say the same bad thing about you, and I'm guessing from the way you sound bitter someone hurt you or you thought hurt you, because there's two sides of your story, but you are only project your own side's. Women might be soft but loyal? No! They might be dating 10 guys and calling it popularity, but as a guy you can't date 2 at a time they'll say cheating. Lastly you said civilization and innovations makes marriage better, how so? The dinners, the wedding gowns, the pre-wedding pictures, the bridal showers, the whatever type of events that chafe away the Barakah in marriage? You think they make marriage better? Or are they Halal/Sunnah that I don't know about, or what's your definition of Civilization and Innovations?
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Ayesha audu Mar 18, 10:39 AM
Yes i have been hurt by alot of people of in Nigeria and i don't want this young lady to be a victim of the usual Nigerian environment thats why i am advising her that virtues such as trust and honesty are extremely rare in Nigeria so she should be careful. I am not a fan of lavish weddings and they are not encouraged in Islam but i believe one can do it as long as he does not engage in haram activities. Civilization and Innovation are positive drivers of Human development but it depends on how a person choses to apply them in his lifestyle.
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Ibrahim Jaafaru A. Mar 18, 11:49 AM
You are just dancing around, contradicting yourself regarding these civilization and innovations thung, when someone needs advice, you give it sincerely, regardless of how you feel, you can't ask her not to trust anyone again just because of few obstacles, if that's your stands, by all means go ahead and stick to it, but don't advise anyone to do what might render them living alone and lonely even when married. This hurting, we all had experiences. I once dated a girl for a complete year before I finally realized I was only dating myself, and my trouble began when I told her I want to meet her father, that's when a series of excuses started, that I had to meet someone first before I meet her father, before the appointed time to meet that certain someone, that certain someone traveled out of the country for medical check-up that's supposed to last for a week or two, and for over 4 months I was waiting, that certain someone hasn't got back, and all this while the excuses are filing up, I'll leave a number of missed calls, for days and get a hold of her she'll offer her flimsy excuses, that the phone was not with her, or one of her siblings was using the phone when I called, sometimes if she ran out of excuses, I'll offer one for her, all in a bid to prevent her from feeling guilty that she's lying to me, because all her excuses are lies and can be figured out by a child. So when I finally had enough I left a 3 missed calls to which I used as a litmus test, if she calls back, we are on, if not, I've had enough, and to this day after 2 years she hasn't called back. And to my amazement, she was saying I just bailed, and she didn't do anything. So you see I've had many bad experience like this, and many people will believed her that I just left, that men are all terrible, Namiji ba dan goyo bane, Wacce ta dauki namiji uba zata mutu marainiya, and sort of nonsense. If I'm to use the above experience as a yeard stick and apply your advice, i wouldn't trust any girl ever again, but no, i moved on.
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Zee Abdul Mar 20, 06:33 AM
Yes, I agree with you. few people can't be used to Generalize everyone, but to some extent what she said is also true just that she's a bit extreme about it, I don't think its as bad as she said it. There are still few Good people outthere that you may miss meeting if you think everyone is bad. Any Gender can suffer from heartbreak or cheating by the opposite Gender its not only men that decieve and betray in relationships but I can say they largely do it more than women to be honest. But there are women who also do this to Men. Sorry you had to go through such a bad experience I hope you find someone that deserves you.
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Anonymous Mar 21, 01:48 AM
Salam,I've read your advices and I thank you for dedicating your time to advice me,jazakumullahu khairan. I'm trying to move on,it's hard because I think I've trained my heart to not open up again to anyone,I actually thought I'd be able to start all over again when I'm over the heartbreak,I've always been able to start over after moving on,but now I'm stuck and I honestly wish I didn't do this to myself,at a point we all need someone to tell how our day went and someone to call ours. Ummammar, I actually thought of that,I will try counselling n see if it will help me in shaa Allah. Sister Aisha Audu, I was disappointed a couple of times by guys and I know that either you're a victim or someone you know is a victim but please don't do to yourself what I did to myself,at first it's fun but honestly loneliness is no fun,despite having your family around you,you still need a guy to spend the rest of your life with. Ibrahim Jafaaru A. I'm so sorry and I pray Allah will bless u and us with righteous spouses that will be the coolness of our eyes amin.
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Zee Abdul Mar 21, 08:45 PM
Please go for counselling if you can't figure it out yourself. Its a cruel world especially in Nigeria not everyone don't feels for others. I pray you meet someone that deserves you.
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Anonymous #3 Mar 22, 01:17 PM
Yi hakuri hajiya.. not everyone is the same .. there are still good ones and pls don't give up on marriage. Just keep praying for the best cux Allah knows best. Maassalama
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Anonymous #3 Mar 22, 01:21 PM
Ayesha audu Mar 26, 10:56 AM
I am not saying everyone is the same but agree with me that people in Nigeria generally have no regards for Trust and being Genuine. They think corruption and dishonesty makes them smart. Am i right or wrong?
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Mr 9ice Apr 17, 06:46 PM
Actually it's a gradual process, it's not easy to let go just like that. But my advice to you is that, stop expecting much from ur partner, I come to realize dt you are too emotional, you drive in wholeheartedly that expect same backward reaction. I also have similar issue with you, you have to be in control of ur mind, allow your brain to love not ur heart, you need to start loving with ur brain, by so doing it will give you a headshot on any relationship, learn to assess situation at hand, doing so will give you a signal as to either continue, halt ,pose or move on to the next episode
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Mr 9ice Apr 17, 06:51 PM
Hajiya why are you channeling ur energy negatively, ba su aka taru aka Zama daya ba, ur utterance is scary and harsh, what she need right now is guidance n clue rather than inculcating fear into her. We all have different phase, no need to generalized n capitalize that we are all same, we all have lapses in one way or the other, it's better we talk about the solutions to the problem rather than pointing fingers.
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