Oct 7, 03:51 AM
I need advice on what to do? Please help me with advice and not insults thank you ?
When I was 13 I went to a boarding school. My parents thought it will be good to send me to school to learn English and proper manner in school. On my first year, the director was very friendly towards me, saying he knows my dad well thats why. I have my two sisters there with me. But one is a senior and never cares while the other is out for friends and fame. On my second year, the director started being touchy towards me. At first holding my hands and telling me its okay because he considers me a daughter. I believed him and allowed him hold my hands on different occasions. But then it became worse when he started calling me to his office telling my matron that I have a call, he would hug me and feel me telling me am a good girl. And then he will reward me. I thought it all normal since I had no one to tell me right from wrong. My sisters are busy with themselves and my parents concern was my result. After the midterm test we went home. My mother's first question was how is studies. And my father's words were let me see your results. My mother always tells my sisters right from wrong but still deems me too young. After the break, the director continued as soon as my legs entered the school. I let him feeling good. I liked the feeling of his hands roaming my body and his mouth sucking my tits. It felt wrong but still feels good so I let him and instead of pushing him, I pulled him closer to me making him touch me more than before. He started moving down from my mouth, to my breast and then down south. During another break my mother thought I am old enough to know all the grown ups stuff. So she told me its not good to let a man touch you and so on. At the time I was too obsessed to care and kept praying for the break to be over. I learnt the method of seduction by myself not knowing. At the time I thought I will have to get his attention to touch me again, so I did everything not knowing I am doing something else. It became part of me, when I walk I draw boys attention, when I look I've worn them over and when I smile, all the bad boys drools. So I thought it was normal for girls to attract boys attention. So it was easy making all the staff and students fall for me. But mostly the offer I got was to touch and have sex with me. As time goes by, I learned the truth and tried to restrain myself from touching and letting myself to be touched. I got expelled when I rejected the director at the age 16. Feeling scared I didn't tell anyone fearing that I will get beaten. My dad is very strict and my mom supports him all the way. We never have a mother-daughther experience and talk. Its just school. I avoided my parents making them think I love school when in reality I hate school but its better than staying with them, at home when not at school, I became addicted to porn. My mother believed a maid more than me, sometimes I wonder if they are my real parents or not. At home. All the offers I got from guys were to have sex. I had been fingered by many men even girls, but never had sex atleast. Any man that says he loves me will end up lusting over me. At first I thought thats how men are. But at the end realised that I make them do that. Some say I make them hard by my voice others by my looks some the way I walk. I want to have a good man for once in my life but its hard. Even if he is serious at the end he will try to touch me and I will hate him and myself, the cycle continues. I thought I wont get married but then he came. A very well-known and respected man, all say good things about him and he wants to marry me. He spends on me, but then as time goes by, not even two months into the relationship he started touching me. Sucking, kissing feeling and then bj came soon enough. So on instinct I started disliking him but then my parents announced him as my husband. He is double my age, and still thinks we are perfect, his daughter is older than me. All I want to do is die and rest. But then he wants me to change my attitude and habit, I should change for him and then he will marry me. I should always obey without a word and apologise when not at fault and then he will marry me. I dont want to get married because I dont think I can let any man order me and make me do things I dont want to all in the name of love. I dont know what love is and I am not even sure I am a virgin and I definitely don't want to get married. But my parents are forcing it on me. He told me clearly that he wants to marry a virgin not a second hand. Am confused as on what to do am just 19 and I dont want to be in a relationship where I can't change even I want to. I need a way out but all doors are closed. Please if anyone have something useful to say or advise apart from insults, please help me i need your help please ?